I was born the same way all great evils are born: in an basement laboratory out in the city of New Orleans. While most of my life has been a blur, I can remember my father fairly well. He was a small heavy set fellow that often wore hospital scrubs and answered to the name of Victor. I was told by him that my mother had passed away shortly after my birth. As you can imagine, the death of my mother was a painful subject, therefore my father rarely spoke of her. However, he frequently mentioned that I did have siblings I should avoid as they were not evil and may lead me astray.

My childhood was pretty average. I grew up secluded in the laboratory and was taught the ways of evil by my father’s minion, Igor. Being evil isn’t all the bed of roses one might think. I was forced to develop quickly in order to be sent off into the world to infect the lives of others. At the age of twenty-five, my training was complete and I left the comfort of my childhood basement to upgrade to an evil apartment that I shared with my beloved demonic teddy bear, Bill Bear. Sadly, Bill Bear eventually ditched me to become part of a sideshow act with the Evil Barnum and Bailey Circus.

As time went by, I made many new friends and was even became roommates with some local sluts I met. The situation was short lived, due to the fact that between the three of us there was simply too much evil under one roof. Eventually, I found myself moving into a lovely two bedroom trailer in Bon Temps Evil Trailer Park of Doom with my brother from another mother, a mountain goat named George.

A lot of crap happened. I got married to an emo vampire, then divorced. Dated a couple of losers that didn't last long. I moved into my own house when I thought it was time. I knew it was time when the goat ditched me.

Oh yeah, and then I died when this schizophrenic vampire decided it was better to turn me than to just give me blood. Being a vampire was a real drag. I couldn’t eat candy. I could just look at it. No macaroni either. And without candy and macaroni my life had no meaning.

After staking myself, I went to Hell. Where else would I go? Hell was nice and all but it got boring real quick and the devil was an uptight asshole. That place really needs better management. I spent most of my days hanging out at the karaoke bar where they played Tom Jones over and over again. After about the nine hundredth time of hearing What’s New Pussycat? I was fucking done.

This old witch started contacting me through her Ouija board. She was even more socially awkward that I was, and wanted to be possessed in the worst way. I told her that I didn’t go there with chicks and if she didn’t bring me back that I would sleep with her brother. It was an empty threat that I couldn’t follow through on, but it made her nervous enough to conjure up a spell. She got me out of there and I slept with her brother anyway.

When I got back home, I found some ugly fairy living in my house. Boy, did I throw her out on her ass! For a while, I didn’t too much. I drifted in and out of life. I did that for nearly a year. Losing my family and most of my friends wasn’t easy on me. I had never had any of those things before and I guess, I really took them for granted. I spent a lot of time trying to adapt back to the old me. The me that was always alone.

I dated on and off. Most of them, I can’t really recall. A few stand out among the rest. One of the few is like a nagging tooth ache, begging to be pulled. His name was Isaac. He just happened to be the schizophrenic that turned me. I had felt something for him back then. I blamed it on the blood for as long as I could. It was easy enough to ignore it with his demon around. He loved her. For a long time I didn’t interfere, but being evil always gets the best of me. We dated briefly when he separated from his demon, but then he went back to her. In order to get over my new attachment for him, I traveled to Jamaica. It was beautiful, peaceful, and there I met a demon of my own. When I returned home my feelings for him were more alive than ever. I fought for what I wanted. Naturally, he left me and I lost myself.

Then there was my husband. I spent a lot of time stalking him. Eventually, I got him to speak to me again. We got back together. But we had both changed so much that it made it really difficult. Some of the love is still there, but not the relationship. After the second break up, I wound up homeless. Going into the relationship that I thought would last forever, I had decided to sell my home. I lived in a cardboard box for a while. The Grabbitkwik parking lot is really nice at this time of the year.

More recently, I’ve been staying with Isaac. I didn’t hijack him from a demon this time.. well.. not really. He was single and horny. That was good enough for me.  He’s got a really weird kid that’s staying with him. Turns out she's his progeny. She’s not for sex but she is still pretty entertaining. I see why he keeps her around.

That's where I am in my life right now. It's not much but it's my life.